Plastic waste is probably the most topical conservation subject at the moment. So many horrible images of plastic items being cut from the stomachs of dead sea birds. Sometimes it’s not clear if the birds died from the plastic or having their stomachs cut open by the beannie wearing unwashed, but you have to take them at their word, I suppose.

Apparently, according to celebrity chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, the devastation plastic is causing to our planets has been highlighted because of the Blue Planet Effect. As an aside, an anagram of ‘Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’ is ‘I wank off turtles on a Friday night’.

Anyway, the Blue Planet Effect is the way that the massive plastic problem facing the world’s ecosystem has been spotlighted, and reacted to, after David Attenborough’s Blue Planet TV series ran on the BBC.

I reckon we’re too late, and it’s actually the BBC’s fault. Never mind the ‘Blue Planet Effect’. I give you, ‘The Blue Peter’ effect.

The Blue Peter gang were always making stuff out of sticky back plastic and single use washing up bottles. All that plastic in the sea isn’t from water bottles or supermarket packaging, it’s from 40 year old models of the Eiffel Tower and Tracy Islands that have lost their sentimental value and been ditched to make way for loft conversations.

John Noakes, Peter Purves and Valerie Singleton, you bastards, you’ve a lot to answer for.

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